Finglish. My name is Olli. There are 590 posts in this blog and maybe 2 or 3 of them are well written. I'll do better things in the future.
If something I wrote on this blog insults you, just ask me about it. I may have changed my mind about you. I'm not saying I'm wise, but I think I'm wiser than I used to be. I don't want to be a jerk.
I've wanted to talk about Harry Potter with you for a while now but usually when I try I'm too exhausted or manic (at the moment I might be both). Can you name that in some way terrible and painful light that it has in it? Because I just can't get my head around it and it keeps haunting me (but maybe it's a good thing, it is a very relevant part of the greatness I guess). What do you think about the differences between books and movies?
Houdini makes me a bit nervous. Not as a person or as a story, I don't know enough about him really. Have you seen Kahlekuningas? Anyways I saw it as a kid and that's why Houdini makes me feel a bit ...unsafe? (Damn my English but it just felt wrong to write this comment in Finnish.)
I think I know what you mean. The world of Harry Potter is quite dark. Nearly all the characters have some pain and tragedy in their lives, and many of them are doomed to perish. There's so much love and so much friendship, but we know that it's always temporary. (Also, there's something ancient and eerie about the whole Harry Potter universe.) But this is one of the most powerful things about the Harry Potter world, as that is exactly what the _real_ world is like. Rowling has experienced loss and depression, and you can see that. As for the books and movies, hmm, I think the differences are quite slight; the movie's a new voice telling the same story.
As for Harry H, he's become one of the most important characters in my book. I could analyze this for hours, but I won't, so I'll just say this:
I find Harry Houdini very stimulating. Firstly, he has a very interesting face. He haD a very interesting face, I mean. Anyway, there's this asexual sexiness about him. It's very difficult to grasp his personality. His life made no sense. I get the passion and the ambition, but really, what he spent his life doing was quite silly. (I don't think my life makes any more sense, by the way.) At the same time, he managed to be silly in a very spectacular and inspiring way. He didn't do it all for money. There must have been something fucked up about him. Like some unhealthy, insane need to be looked at. There's something unpleasant about him. He was a very intelligent person, but he didn't seem to have too much to say about things outside magic (and... hmm, afterlife.) What he had to say about his Business isn't very interesting to me. What's interesting is that he never seemed to lose his interest in the New. He was always exploring new possibilities, becoming better. So to me it's interesting to think that maybe after death, he might have had time to start questioning the person he was when he lived. He might have become a deeper person. He might hate himself a little bit. He might want to save someone. This is a conflict I'm writing about, and it makes Houdini one of the key characters in my book. To be honest, I hate to see other fictional versions of Houdini, as they really SUCK compared to this Harry I've created. (I've seen Kahlekuningas, but I'd forgotten it had something to do with Houdini. But you're right. And your English is very good. Would you like to meet me in real life?)
Yes yes yes. Again, I don't think I will make much sense with my answer since everything is kind of misty behind my eyes but well, it seems these unclear moments are the only ones when I'm truly able to discuss things like Harry Potter. Harry Potter makes me manic. And sad. But mostly manic (manically sad?). (Sometimes when I listen to certain songs I just go completely mad for a moment (does that ever happen to you?), so I guess I'm going to blame this on Odd Hugo.)
My mind can't connect my thoughts to those you presented in your answer, so I won't even try. I will selfishly just rant about Harry Potter for a moment, mostly about some scenes in the movies. You know the moment when Harry and Hermione dance in their tent and Nick Cave's O Children is playing from the radio? Does that scene make you feel something? Because damn it makes me hurt all over and it makes me cry and laugh and it's so beautiful and so something I can't even name. Also Lupin's eyes. His face has something painful in it, something very tired and somehow fragile, but his eyes have a strange light in them. Life. And the way he sometimes looks at Harry makes me wanna explode. And when we add Sirius to this set it just gets worse (better?).
Because Sirius is something so huge. He's the last ray of light left to both Harry and Lupin from the life they both lost, to Harry it was his family and to Lupin it was his best friends. And he's so full of some childish joy and honesty, even after everything he's been through. The moment in the movie when Lupin holds Harry when Sirius falls through that veil, how the scene is muted and slowed and the acting and all just falls into place and everything in it feels so _real_, like a slap on the face. I don't understand how someone can capture the books intensity and everything behind those words in a very short scene.
I think I need to stop now to breathe. I also think I need to get in touch with Houdini now (at the latest when your book comes out). And I think I really would like to meet you, yes. (I really don't know when and how is it possible since I don't live near Helsinki and meeting new people sometimes scares me to death but yes I would like to.)
In terms of nearly everything... I know what you mean. I could discuss Sirius and Lupin and the whole gang for hours (which, of course, is ridiculous, but ridiculous is good), but I'll just say that I find Lupin way more interesting than Sirius. It's not really Sirius' fault, it's just that Lupin is pure sex. Jesus, I gotta stop talking about the sexiness of men (or, why should I?), but, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Lupin is an incredible character, an incredible soul, and. And. Well. Yes. I was pretty drunk last night and I spent the morning dancing alone on the streets, so excusez-moi, I'm not making too much sense.
When my book comes out, you won't necessarily meet the Real Houdini, but you'll meet my kind of Houdini, who incidentally happens to be sort of, I don't know, Harry Potterish or Lupinish or Dumbledoreish or something.
May I ask where you live? Or maybe that's not relevant. What's relevant is that I must find a way to meet you. Are you coming to Helsinki any time soon? Are you 18 and can we drink wine? We don't have to. And don't worry, I'm scared to death almost every moment of my life.
Yes, Lupin has got something hidden in him while Sirius' beauty is his honesty and transparency (???). Sirius is loud and full of radiance. Sometimes he makes me very tired. And yes, Lupin is pure sex and maybe more in a not physical way. Sometimes when I feel very cold and empty I think about his smile when Harry first managed a patronus. Or the fact that Tonks' patronus changed into werewolf. Or patronuses in general. And Tonks and her parents, more specifically her mother, they have some strange gentleness and strenght in them that make me feel safe. And have you read about Teddy Lupin? Because somehow he makes me so happy I wanna die.
Well, since it's kind of impossible for me to meet the Real Houdini, I'm very happy with the Houdini you created.
I just realized I am probably coming to Helsinki in October. On the 18th I guess? I'm not yet 18 but it hasn't stopped me drinking wine (At the moment I'm in a very strange relationship with alcohol). I'm bad at knowing things or making decisions okay?
(By the way drunken dancing alone on the streets sounds glorious. Today was probably the best day of my life. I rescued a very tiny bird, it was kind of sleeping on the street and people almost stepped on it (feels stupid to use pronoun 'it' but stupid English language hasn't got gender-neutral pronouns). It wasn't baby or anything, it was a hippiäinen and it's the tiniest bird species in Europe and yes I'm very obsessed with birds. My point was that life is probably good if we have people dancing on the streets and (tiny) birds.)
In all honesty, Teddy makes me a bit angry, because when Rowling created Lupin, he was supposed to be gay. But I guess he's just metrosexual now. (How exactly is Lupin metrosexual???) Actually I consider Lupin quite asexual as a character. (Why do I consider people asexual???) I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense and it is very funny to me.
What you've written about the hippiäinen is so ingeniously adorable that it almost makes me cry. A lot of things almost make me cry. Not so many make me cry. But that is a very beautiful thing.
I don't know what do I think about Teddy as a son of Lupin, but Teddy as a individual character makes me go wild.
I would probably suck a lot at creating characters because I would forget their sexuality. That's probably because personally I don't find it logical to put myself or anyone in some section just to make other people feel comfortable. (?? ? that doesn't even make sense.) There's still so much unnecessary fuss about sexuality and the fact that your gender affects the way people treat you makes me want to vomit. I don't know, goddammit I sound ignorant and idiot but it just makes me mad that people expect me to be confused when it's actually them being confused because everything doesn't fit in the scenarios in their heads.
Life mostly almost makes me cry. Those moments when it _actually makes me cry are the best ones. It feels good when someone or something is finally able to break you or make you lose control.
I just realized that it is October. Life is really weird. And everything sounds like The Smiths' Asleep. ???? I feel like apologizing. People tend to say that I apologize far too much. Anyway. Forgive me (Jesus).
(For some reason I tested how sanakirja.org translates anteeksi to english and one of the translations was 'what'. That's pretty accurate.)
What you're saying does make sense. I know what you mean.
I know what you mean in terms of crying too. But lately I've mostly hated strong emotions, because they've mostly been very strongly negative. Maybe it's better than being numb. Or maybe not. I wish I was numb. It would make it easier to fall asleep.
There's no need to apologize. Is there? None that I'm aware of.
It's October! So we're going to meet in 12 days. Should I know your name or something?
Aura. And I try not to get too damn scared and stay home.
Did you know that today is Putin's birthday? (And I'm in St. Petersburg drinking tea in some hotel's cafe and thinking about Putin's birthday party and listening to the most unintelligent discussion about something very dumb and boring.)
I'm here with this water biology/chemistry project and it's half past five here and we've been drinking tea from this one carton cup made of the same teabag again and again for six hours and everything feels very hollow at the moment.
Okay I fell in coma and we will leave in 30 minutes and I just dropped a lot of toothpaste on my shirt and I wish this was a description of Putin's birthday party but it's not. I miss my dog and I just heard our teacher waking up in the next room and now she's riding in the corridor with stick horse, singing and knocking on the doors and what the hell is happening.
Not my life, only that one chaotic night in St. Petersburg.
There are lots, actually. My surname is Askolin. I guess you'll find me soon enough with that.
PS. I can tell you that Effy is alive but lost. I don't know if she'd like me to say this but I'm going to say it anyway because she's the reason I'm here (alive?? commenting on your blog?? who knows.). Before I even officially started to read your blog I used to read it with her. I don't know what was the point of this. I just wanted you to know she's alive.
PPS. I just realized that I used to write about my current self three, four years ago and this is kind of terrifying.
PPPS. Please make me listen to Veronica Maggio if I seem too scared about meeting you.
You have a rather awesome name. And a very cute face. (I was able to find one small picture of your face. I'm that good.)
What does 'lost' mean? Hopefully nothing horrible. Did she just disappear? Didn't she even leave a note or anything? Very inconsiderate of Effy. Would you like to find her and talk to her and let me talk to her? Anyway, I hope that she's alright. Is she?
Who is your current self?
There is something soothing about Veronica. However, you have no reason to be scared. I'm not a very scary person. It would be fun to be scary, like a ghost or something, but unfortunately I'm not.
I think she disappeared a long ago but now she's been physically gone for a while. I talk to her almost daily. Sometimes she answers. Mostly not. The best moments are those when she messages me out of nowhere. You know she's got some very strange light in her. A Harry Potter kind of light. I don't know what you mean by finding her, and I don't know how to let you talk to her. I'm really sorry, if I knew how to do that I definitely would but I just don't know. And I guess she hasn't been alright for a while. Is being alright always a good thing?
I'm sorry I could talk about her for hours and I don't know if I should be ashamed of that but I'm not.
I just studied maths for three hours and my brains are kind of melting so I have no idea and no interest towards my current self right now. I just know that three, four years ago I used to write about madness, sorrow, anything like it was all mine when it actually was not. I used to dive in different lives and emotions for a while and write about them like they were my own. I guess that's what authors are able to do.
But you're interesting. And interesting things usually frighten me in some way.
There's nothing wrong with your answer. It's beautiful the way it is.
The thing is: I just realized that I've never been this messed up in my life. It's so severe that I think I should be alone for some time. I should take a break, clear my head and not see anybody.
But I really want to meet you.
If (if) I really do decide to take a break from my social life, would you like to be the exception? If you still want to meet me, I can quite certainly assure you that the person you'll meet will be fucked up and sad as hell and the whole thing will be utterly depressing and horrible. But I really think you should meet me anyway. I'll let you decide.
Thank you for Veronica Maggio. I'll be in Helsinki soon. I got to meet some people. (Do I?)
I don't know. Do I need to know something? I want to go and sit on the rocks behind Lapinlahti hospital. I don't know when I'll be able to go there. Melancholy is okay. Craziness is okay. Anything is okay. I'll be a mess of headache and shaky hands.
Are you still here? Are you leaving Helsinki tonight? Let's assume you're leaving on a train. Let's assume you meet me briefly before that happens. Let's assume you're hungover and I have the flu. Let's assume we meet and you say "hi" and I say "hi" and then we go our separate ways. And then I go home and go to bed.
(There's something going on with Blogger, I've been trying to post this for ~5 times now.)
I can't be sure but it seems that I'm not. At least not very soon.
I fell asleep and had a dream where air suddenly did not contain as much oxygen as it used to and when I drew a breath some chemical reactions made air turn into glass in my lungs and now breathing feels very uncomfortable.
Kouvola is a very sad place. And very anemic. Still it somehow manages to be comforting. Home is always home I guess. But you will more likely find me in Lahti. (Okay not on weekends.)
I enjoyed Helsinki and the soothing way it just swallows you and never really stays still. I've been too still lately. I didn't enjoy my time. That was my own fault. I shouldn't have seen anyone who I didn't really want to see. I just ran away after a little while with stupid excuses and sat somewhere reading the uncensored version of the Unknown Soldier.
If you have anything you would like to tell about when you read this comment, please do tell. Anything. Okay.
I'd love to be drunk all the time. It's not a good thing, but right now it feels right. Being drunk makes it so much easier to understand people. Understanding has something to do with happiness. And when you're drunk, you're not so afraid. For a fleeting moment you're somehow disconnected from your fears. I'd like to be in love. I'd like someone to love me. But it seems that it's not easy at all and it takes patience. But being in love sounds like a lot of fun. It should be done madly, but people rarely do it that way. Everyone I know is sad all the time. I should be writing a book. A lot faster than this. I'll get there. How are you? Are you happy? Is there something that you need in your life but cannot find?
I don't know what I should think about being drunk anymore. I'm afraid I'll start using it as an escape, as a source of sick kind of strength again. That's not good, because all it ever gave me was blindness.
I don't know about being in drunk or being in love. I wish I knew how to be both without going too far over my own limits. I'm good at forgetting myself and living through everything else around me.
I believe in you and your book.
Last night when I randomly woke up and saw the stars from my bed I thought something I need but cannot find. I was going to answer to you but I guess I fell asleep. I can't remember it anymore. I'm a bit lost. I feel very bad because I yelled at my little sisters. They have done nothing wrong. They are just kids. I should be alone somewhere far far far far away when I'm like this.
I was really drunk last night, and that was really stupid, I was really silly. I got thrown out of a bar, and that's not really the first time that that's happened. So yeah, this drunkness thing isn't really working for me.
Also, I realized that I'm going to start writing a completely new book, and well, it's complicated and exciting and fast and fun and going to fix all the problems in my life and so on.
The state you're in sounds kind of interesting. Are your little sisters nice people?
I just wrote some nice answer about not knowing what 'nice people' means and how my older lil sis has got talent in music and how the younger one's (she's seven in two days) mathematical thinking amazes me. I miss clicked and here we are.
I wish someone punched the heck out of me. Like really. I don't know what real pain feels like.
If we do not count writing books or saving the world, what do you want to do in the future? I want to be a coral gardener. Corals grow like 2 mm in a year.
I think I know what real pain feels like. I think you might have experienced that too. It naturally depends on the definition. What is "real pain" anyway? I want to experience all that, strong pain, strong happiness, love, hope, all those things.
Writing books and saving the world. Hmm. That's pretty much it. (Coral gardening sounds insanely nice.) But of course, there's the personal level; finding happiness in everyday life and all that shit. I'm not good at that, but I'm going to do it anyway. It would be nice to live an interesting life. Nice. I'd still like to meet you, you seem nice.
Sunday! Yes. Just tell me when and where. In case this helps: kvister@hotmail.com
I just experienced probably the most absurd night in my life. Before that I spent 5 days in complete solitude. I don't really have control anymore, I'm free-falling.
Shit. Well, that's life. When you're here, let me know.
I met people 4-6 years younger than me and people 30 years older than me, and spent the small hours of the night with them. I don't know, it was weird. The passing of time confuses me.
I've wanted to talk about Harry Potter with you for a while now but usually when I try I'm too exhausted or manic (at the moment I might be both). Can you name that in some way terrible and painful light that it has in it? Because I just can't get my head around it and it keeps haunting me (but maybe it's a good thing, it is a very relevant part of the greatness I guess). What do you think about the differences between books and movies?
VastaaPoistaHoudini makes me a bit nervous. Not as a person or as a story, I don't know enough about him really. Have you seen Kahlekuningas? Anyways I saw it as a kid and that's why Houdini makes me feel a bit ...unsafe? (Damn my English but it just felt wrong to write this comment in Finnish.)
Ooh. This response is going to be long.
PoistaI think I know what you mean. The world of Harry Potter is quite dark. Nearly all the characters have some pain and tragedy in their lives, and many of them are doomed to perish. There's so much love and so much friendship, but we know that it's always temporary. (Also, there's something ancient and eerie about the whole Harry Potter universe.) But this is one of the most powerful things about the Harry Potter world, as that is exactly what the _real_ world is like. Rowling has experienced loss and depression, and you can see that. As for the books and movies, hmm, I think the differences are quite slight; the movie's a new voice telling the same story.
As for Harry H, he's become one of the most important characters in my book. I could analyze this for hours, but I won't, so I'll just say this:
I find Harry Houdini very stimulating. Firstly, he has a very interesting face. He haD a very interesting face, I mean. Anyway, there's this asexual sexiness about him. It's very difficult to grasp his personality. His life made no sense. I get the passion and the ambition, but really, what he spent his life doing was quite silly. (I don't think my life makes any more sense, by the way.) At the same time, he managed to be silly in a very spectacular and inspiring way. He didn't do it all for money. There must have been something fucked up about him. Like some unhealthy, insane need to be looked at. There's something unpleasant about him. He was a very intelligent person, but he didn't seem to have too much to say about things outside magic (and... hmm, afterlife.) What he had to say about his Business isn't very interesting to me. What's interesting is that he never seemed to lose his interest in the New. He was always exploring new possibilities, becoming better. So to me it's interesting to think that maybe after death, he might have had time to start questioning the person he was when he lived. He might have become a deeper person. He might hate himself a little bit. He might want to save someone. This is a conflict I'm writing about, and it makes Houdini one of the key characters in my book. To be honest, I hate to see other fictional versions of Houdini, as they really SUCK compared to this Harry I've created. (I've seen Kahlekuningas, but I'd forgotten it had something to do with Houdini. But you're right. And your English is very good. Would you like to meet me in real life?)
Yes yes yes. Again, I don't think I will make much sense with my answer since everything is kind of misty behind my eyes but well, it seems these unclear moments are the only ones when I'm truly able to discuss things like Harry Potter. Harry Potter makes me manic. And sad. But mostly manic (manically sad?). (Sometimes when I listen to certain songs I just go completely mad for a moment (does that ever happen to you?), so I guess I'm going to blame this on Odd Hugo.)
PoistaMy mind can't connect my thoughts to those you presented in your answer, so I won't even try. I will selfishly just rant about Harry Potter for a moment, mostly about some scenes in the movies. You know the moment when Harry and Hermione dance in their tent and Nick Cave's O Children is playing from the radio? Does that scene make you feel something? Because damn it makes me hurt all over and it makes me cry and laugh and it's so beautiful and so something I can't even name. Also Lupin's eyes. His face has something painful in it, something very tired and somehow fragile, but his eyes have a strange light in them. Life. And the way he sometimes looks at Harry makes me wanna explode. And when we add Sirius to this set it just gets worse (better?).
Because Sirius is something so huge. He's the last ray of light left to both Harry and Lupin from the life they both lost, to Harry it was his family and to Lupin it was his best friends. And he's so full of some childish joy and honesty, even after everything he's been through. The moment in the movie when Lupin holds Harry when Sirius falls through that veil, how the scene is muted and slowed and the acting and all just falls into place and everything in it feels so _real_, like a slap on the face. I don't understand how someone can capture the books intensity and everything behind those words in a very short scene.
I think I need to stop now to breathe. I also think I need to get in touch with Houdini now (at the latest when your book comes out). And I think I really would like to meet you, yes. (I really don't know when and how is it possible since I don't live near Helsinki and meeting new people sometimes scares me to death but yes I would like to.)
*book's intensity. That bothered me too much, sorry.
PoistaIn terms of nearly everything... I know what you mean. I could discuss Sirius and Lupin and the whole gang for hours (which, of course, is ridiculous, but ridiculous is good), but I'll just say that I find Lupin way more interesting than Sirius. It's not really Sirius' fault, it's just that Lupin is pure sex. Jesus, I gotta stop talking about the sexiness of men (or, why should I?), but, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Lupin is an incredible character, an incredible soul, and. And. Well. Yes. I was pretty drunk last night and I spent the morning dancing alone on the streets, so excusez-moi, I'm not making too much sense.
PoistaWhen my book comes out, you won't necessarily meet the Real Houdini, but you'll meet my kind of Houdini, who incidentally happens to be sort of, I don't know, Harry Potterish or Lupinish or Dumbledoreish or something.
May I ask where you live? Or maybe that's not relevant. What's relevant is that I must find a way to meet you. Are you coming to Helsinki any time soon? Are you 18 and can we drink wine? We don't have to. And don't worry, I'm scared to death almost every moment of my life.
Yes, Lupin has got something hidden in him while Sirius' beauty is his honesty and transparency (???). Sirius is loud and full of radiance. Sometimes he makes me very tired. And yes, Lupin is pure sex and maybe more in a not physical way. Sometimes when I feel very cold and empty I think about his smile when Harry first managed a patronus. Or the fact that Tonks' patronus changed into werewolf. Or patronuses in general. And Tonks and her parents, more specifically her mother, they have some strange gentleness and strenght in them that make me feel safe. And have you read about Teddy Lupin? Because somehow he makes me so happy I wanna die.
VastaaPoistaWell, since it's kind of impossible for me to meet the Real Houdini, I'm very happy with the Houdini you created.
I just realized I am probably coming to Helsinki in October. On the 18th I guess? I'm not yet 18 but it hasn't stopped me drinking wine (At the moment I'm in a very strange relationship with alcohol). I'm bad at knowing things or making decisions okay?
(By the way drunken dancing alone on the streets sounds glorious. Today was probably the best day of my life. I rescued a very tiny bird, it was kind of sleeping on the street and people almost stepped on it (feels stupid to use pronoun 'it' but stupid English language hasn't got gender-neutral pronouns). It wasn't baby or anything, it was a hippiäinen and it's the tiniest bird species in Europe and yes I'm very obsessed with birds. My point was that life is probably good if we have people dancing on the streets and (tiny) birds.)
In all honesty, Teddy makes me a bit angry, because when Rowling created Lupin, he was supposed to be gay. But I guess he's just metrosexual now. (How exactly is Lupin metrosexual???) Actually I consider Lupin quite asexual as a character. (Why do I consider people asexual???) I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense and it is very funny to me.
PoistaWhat you've written about the hippiäinen is so ingeniously adorable that it almost makes me cry. A lot of things almost make me cry. Not so many make me cry. But that is a very beautiful thing.
October 18 it is. Life is weird
I don't know what do I think about Teddy as a son of Lupin, but Teddy as a individual character makes me go wild.
PoistaI would probably suck a lot at creating characters because I would forget their sexuality. That's probably because personally I don't find it logical to put myself or anyone in some section just to make other people feel comfortable. (?? ? that doesn't even make sense.) There's still so much unnecessary fuss about sexuality and the fact that your gender affects the way people treat you makes me want to vomit. I don't know, goddammit I sound ignorant and idiot but it just makes me mad that people expect me to be confused when it's actually them being confused because everything doesn't fit in the scenarios in their heads.
Life mostly almost makes me cry. Those moments when it _actually makes me cry are the best ones. It feels good when someone or something is finally able to break you or make you lose control.
I just realized that it is October. Life is really weird. And everything sounds like The Smiths' Asleep. ???? I feel like apologizing. People tend to say that I apologize far too much. Anyway. Forgive me (Jesus).
(For some reason I tested how sanakirja.org translates anteeksi to english and one of the translations was 'what'. That's pretty accurate.)
What you're saying does make sense. I know what you mean.
PoistaI know what you mean in terms of crying too. But lately I've mostly hated strong emotions, because they've mostly been very strongly negative. Maybe it's better than being numb. Or maybe not. I wish I was numb. It would make it easier to fall asleep.
There's no need to apologize. Is there? None that I'm aware of.
It's October! So we're going to meet in 12 days. Should I know your name or something?
Aura. And I try not to get too damn scared and stay home.
PoistaDid you know that today is Putin's birthday? (And I'm in St. Petersburg drinking tea in some hotel's cafe and thinking about Putin's birthday party and listening to the most unintelligent discussion about something very dumb and boring.)
Wow.
PoistaDon't get scared. There's no reason.
What are you doing in St. Peterburg? I hope that has something to do with Putin's great birthday celebration.
Wait, it's PeterSburg.
PoistaI'm here with this water biology/chemistry project and it's half past five here and we've been drinking tea from this one carton cup made of the same teabag again and again for six hours and everything feels very hollow at the moment.
PoistaOkay I fell in coma and we will leave in 30 minutes and I just dropped a lot of toothpaste on my shirt and I wish this was a description of Putin's birthday party but it's not. I miss my dog and I just heard our teacher waking up in the next room and now she's riding in the corridor with stick horse, singing and knocking on the doors and what the hell is happening.
с днём рождения
I meant half past four okay
PoistaYour life sounds like a surreal dream. So does mine, by the way. This is cool.
PoistaI'm curious: is there any 'social networking site' where I could find you? Not that I exist anywhere.
PoistaNot my life, only that one chaotic night in St. Petersburg.
PoistaThere are lots, actually. My surname is Askolin. I guess you'll find me soon enough with that.
PS. I can tell you that Effy is alive but lost. I don't know if she'd like me to say this but I'm going to say it anyway because she's the reason I'm here (alive?? commenting on your blog?? who knows.). Before I even officially started to read your blog I used to read it with her. I don't know what was the point of this. I just wanted you to know she's alive.
PPS. I just realized that I used to write about my current self three, four years ago and this is kind of terrifying.
PPPS. Please make me listen to Veronica Maggio if I seem too scared about meeting you.
You have a rather awesome name. And a very cute face. (I was able to find one small picture of your face. I'm that good.)
PoistaWhat does 'lost' mean? Hopefully nothing horrible. Did she just disappear? Didn't she even leave a note or anything? Very inconsiderate of Effy. Would you like to find her and talk to her and let me talk to her? Anyway, I hope that she's alright. Is she?
Who is your current self?
There is something soothing about Veronica. However, you have no reason to be scared. I'm not a very scary person. It would be fun to be scary, like a ghost or something, but unfortunately I'm not.
I think she disappeared a long ago but now she's been physically gone for a while. I talk to her almost daily. Sometimes she answers. Mostly not. The best moments are those when she messages me out of nowhere. You know she's got some very strange light in her. A Harry Potter kind of light. I don't know what you mean by finding her, and I don't know how to let you talk to her. I'm really sorry, if I knew how to do that I definitely would but I just don't know. And I guess she hasn't been alright for a while. Is being alright always a good thing?
PoistaI'm sorry I could talk about her for hours and I don't know if I should be ashamed of that but I'm not.
I just studied maths for three hours and my brains are kind of melting so I have no idea and no interest towards my current self right now. I just know that three, four years ago I used to write about madness, sorrow, anything like it was all mine when it actually was not. I used to dive in different lives and emotions for a while and write about them like they were my own. I guess that's what authors are able to do.
But you're interesting. And interesting things usually frighten me in some way.
((Okay sorry about that answer, that's all I could come up after solving dozens of rational equations.))
PoistaThere's nothing wrong with your answer. It's beautiful the way it is.
PoistaThe thing is: I just realized that I've never been this messed up in my life. It's so severe that I think I should be alone for some time. I should take a break, clear my head and not see anybody.
But I really want to meet you.
If (if) I really do decide to take a break from my social life, would you like to be the exception? If you still want to meet me, I can quite certainly assure you that the person you'll meet will be fucked up and sad as hell and the whole thing will be utterly depressing and horrible. But I really think you should meet me anyway. I'll let you decide.
I'm a bit less crazy now. Just very melancholy. It can be nice.
Poistahttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD77PNAQOQo
PoistaThank you for Veronica Maggio. I'll be in Helsinki soon. I got to meet some people. (Do I?)
VastaaPoistaI don't know. Do I need to know something? I want to go and sit on the rocks behind Lapinlahti hospital. I don't know when I'll be able to go there. Melancholy is okay. Craziness is okay. Anything is okay. I'll be a mess of headache and shaky hands.
Just tell me where to find you and when.
PoistaI'm sorry I thought I could do it. I was sure I could. (I even listened to Låtsas som det regnar the whole day.)
PoistaI don't have any other explanations than hungover and my cowardness. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I thought I could do it. I was sure I could. (I even listened to Låtsas som det regnar the whole day.)
PoistaI don't have any other explanations than hungover and my cowardness. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I thought I could do it. I was sure I could. (I even listened to Låtsas som det regnar the whole day.)
PoistaI don't have any other explanations than hungover and my cowardness. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Okay, where are you?
PoistaAre you still here? Are you leaving Helsinki tonight? Let's assume you're leaving on a train. Let's assume you meet me briefly before that happens. Let's assume you're hungover and I have the flu. Let's assume we meet and you say "hi" and I say "hi" and then we go our separate ways. And then I go home and go to bed.
(There's something going on with Blogger, I've been trying to post this for ~5 times now.)
I'm on a bus on my way to Tampere and it's cold as hell and I feel like puking my insides out.
VastaaPoistaOkay just when I wrote that Morrissey started to sing "take me out tonight" and now I'm also smiling like a lunatic.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
That would have been a great solution. Why didn't I see that when I was still in Helsinki?
Where do you live?
PoistaAre you coming back to Helsinki anytime soon?
I can assure you that I'm among the least scary people on the planet. And this is a fact.
I am sorry for being this intense. I can't help it
PoistaI live in Kouvola and in Lahti too I guess.
PoistaI can't be sure but it seems that I'm
not. At least not very soon.
I fell asleep and had a dream where air suddenly did not contain as much oxygen as it used to and when I drew a breath some chemical reactions made air turn into glass in my lungs and now breathing feels very uncomfortable.
Your intensity mostly calms me down because one of my biggest insecurities is to be always too intense and manic about everything.
PoistaMaybe I'll visit Kouvola someday. It's not unlikely because for me trips without a particular reason are not unlikely.
PoistaPeople should be more intense. And sleep better. Did you enjoy your time in Helsinki?
Kouvola is a very sad place. And very anemic. Still it somehow manages to be comforting. Home is always home I guess. But you will more likely find me in Lahti. (Okay not on weekends.)
VastaaPoistaI enjoyed Helsinki and the soothing way it just swallows you and never really stays still. I've been too still lately. I didn't enjoy my time. That was my own fault. I shouldn't have seen anyone who I didn't really want to see. I just ran away after a little while with stupid excuses and sat somewhere reading the uncensored version of the Unknown Soldier.
If you have anything you would like to tell about when you read this comment, please do tell. Anything. Okay.
I'd love to be drunk all the time. It's not a good thing, but right now it feels right. Being drunk makes it so much easier to understand people. Understanding has something to do with happiness. And when you're drunk, you're not so afraid. For a fleeting moment you're somehow disconnected from your fears. I'd like to be in love. I'd like someone to love me. But it seems that it's not easy at all and it takes patience. But being in love sounds like a lot of fun. It should be done madly, but people rarely do it that way. Everyone I know is sad all the time. I should be writing a book. A lot faster than this. I'll get there. How are you? Are you happy? Is there something that you need in your life but cannot find?
PoistaI don't know what I should think about being drunk anymore. I'm afraid I'll start using it as an escape, as a source of sick kind of strength again. That's not good, because all it ever gave me was blindness.
PoistaI don't know about being in drunk or being in love. I wish I knew how to be both without going too far over my own limits. I'm good at forgetting myself and living through everything else around me.
I believe in you and your book.
Last night when I randomly woke up and saw the stars from my bed I thought something I need but cannot find. I was going to answer to you but I guess I fell asleep. I can't remember it anymore. I'm a bit lost. I feel very bad because I yelled at my little sisters. They have done nothing wrong. They are just kids. I should be alone somewhere far far far far away when I'm like this.
How are you?
I was really drunk last night, and that was really stupid, I was really silly. I got thrown out of a bar, and that's not really the first time that that's happened. So yeah, this drunkness thing isn't really working for me.
PoistaAlso, I realized that I'm going to start writing a completely new book, and well, it's complicated and exciting and fast and fun and going to fix all the problems in my life and so on.
The state you're in sounds kind of interesting. Are your little sisters nice people?
I just wrote some nice answer about not knowing what 'nice people' means and how my older lil sis has got talent in music and how the younger one's (she's seven in two days) mathematical thinking amazes me. I miss clicked and here we are.
PoistaI wish someone punched the heck out of me. Like really. I don't know what real pain feels like.
If we do not count writing books or saving the world, what do you want to do in the future? I want to be a coral gardener. Corals grow like 2 mm in a year.
I think I know what real pain feels like. I think you might have experienced that too. It naturally depends on the definition. What is "real pain" anyway? I want to experience all that, strong pain, strong happiness, love, hope, all those things.
PoistaWriting books and saving the world. Hmm. That's pretty much it. (Coral gardening sounds insanely nice.) But of course, there's the personal level; finding happiness in everyday life and all that shit. I'm not good at that, but I'm going to do it anyway. It would be nice to live an interesting life. Nice. I'd still like to meet you, you seem nice.
I may be in Helsinki in Sunday. I'm not sure. If you're around we could meet. If if if if.
PoistaReal pain. Someone else's real pain. The anger the grief the whatever they punch on my skin.
Sunday! Yes. Just tell me when and where. In case this helps: kvister@hotmail.com
PoistaI just experienced probably the most absurd night in my life. Before that I spent 5 days in complete solitude. I don't really have control anymore, I'm free-falling.
I won't be in Helsinki today so yeah.
PoistaDo you want to talk about that night? It sounds interesting.
Shit. Well, that's life. When you're here, let me know.
PoistaI met people 4-6 years younger than me and people 30 years older than me, and spent the small hours of the night with them. I don't know, it was weird. The passing of time confuses me.