I used to have this very clear vision of what people are like and what I am like. Then I met people and realized that I know nothing. Nothing. I would like to be a good person and be good to others. But it seems that I'm not good at that. In theory, I am good. In practice, I'm not. Everybody's hurt by things I have said and done. I don't understand. Turns out I am an obnoxious asshole. I'm not trying to be that way, I'm trying to be better things. I won't give up until I've found the way to be good to others. I still think love has something to do with this.
On the other hand, it's not healthy to live your life trying to please everybody. It is impossible. Be yourself. Maybe it's not enough, but in the long run, it is the only thing you can do.
I cycled by the children's hospital. That used to be one of my favourite places in the world when I was a child. I was a wild child and always breaking my bones. I loved the smell of the hospital, I loved getting out of school and then waiting for hours in the long corridors of the hospital and then eating icecream. When I was a child, I couldn't see death the way I do now.
I keep having very depressing dreams about people I know.
I think this must be depression. Welcome back.
On the other hand... I have these waves of warm hope.
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