English is hard

Today Daphne and Niles finally found each other. I had to keep watching Frasier for something like 9 months to see this happen. I kept waiting and waiting. Now my heart is full.

If I should ever fall in love with you, consider yourself unlucky. Because when I fall in love with people, I start to see them as More Than Human, and that's a very difficult position to be in. You can only fail, and here I am, staring at you from the corner of the room and anxiously waiting for you to fail.

This song has been in my life for nearly 7 years:



It's making more and more sense now. I found Josiah Leming when he was on American Idol. He was 18, I was 13 and he caught my attention by crying all the time. It was interesting. It was obvious that he was severely unstable and lost. I googled his name and found videos of him singing songs he'd written. After 2 seconds it was clear that his talent was not normal. He was a genius. It's strange that he still hasn't become a star. Will he ever become a star? I don't know. There's something about his personality that probably makes things difficult. It's very easy to hate or at least get very annoyed by him when you see him giving an interview or just talking to the camera. He seems unbearably fake, like he's trying to be somebody else. Maybe that's something that he needs to do in order to survive. I don't know. Maybe I am the same way.

I'm slightly disturbed by the existence of another person named Olli Brander. I could have Satanic nightmares about this.

Four (4) months ago I knew none of the people in my life. Nobody. You see, Harry, sometimes things just happen. (I have no idea how this happened.) This summer was incredibly painful and difficult. Like I've been saying, I've realized that I suck in ways that I never even knew a person could suck. But I have to experience this. All of it.

There's something strange about me. Or I don't know if it's strange; maybe everybody's the same way but they just don't talk about it. The strange thing is that I always, always carry this very heavy feeling of shame with me. It's like a hand on my throat. I feel shame for everything I am, everything I do and everything I say. I don't know why, but it's been like this since I was 12. The things that I'm most proud of are also the things that I'm most ashamed of. I feel shame for the best things about me.

I have no idea where this comes from. But it sure as hell doesn't stop me from being who I am, doing what I do, and saying what has to be said. One of these days I'll write a very good book about this. The best characters I've ever come up with are all people haunted by shame.

On the subject of shame: It's a shame most people know so little about James Dean nowadays. I wish there were more people getting my Joke. Anyway, this is one of the things that I'm constantly ashamed of. Why do people like James Dean mean something to me? It feels idiotic. Anyway, I'm starting to think that James Dean and I should meet. I used to somehow dislike him as a person, but now that I've realized that I suck in all the ways that he sucked (except that I don't have a thing for bullfighting), I do think that we should meet and spend some time together. Naturally, I will need a good shovel to do this, as he is dead and has been for 59 years.

For the record, I don't care about the rock'n'roll yeehaa vroom vroom image of James Dean. I care about the real stuff.

Sometimes I'm mad at my mother's side of the family for being such dwarfs and making me such a semi-dwarf. Sometimes I'm mad at my father's side of the family for having such horrible skin and giving me such horrible skin. But I'm not sure if I'd want it to be any other way. People who've been given good cards can never be truly strong.