keskiviikko 29. lokakuuta 2014

I realized that I was watching really strange porn and started laughing and decided to go to bed.
I honestly love it when people make fun of me tongue-in-cheek (it tells me that they like me), but sometimes there's a darker motive and that's Satanic and I don't like it.

tiistai 28. lokakuuta 2014

Bad for some time

I'll stop pretending that I'm good.

I'll be just as bad, just as good as I am. That is something.

lauantai 25. lokakuuta 2014

I've noticed this mechanism of ideology:

You always overestimate the number of your enemies.

Timothy Treadwell and Werner Herzog

Grizzly Man is a great documentary.

It's not a documentary about bears. It's a documentary about a very complex human being.

The only problem with the documentary is Werner Herzog, the director himself. He should remember that he's an artist telling this story about human psychology. He knows how to do that, and he's very good at that. When he starts to talk about bears, it gets stupid.

Timothy Treadwell seems to have this childish idea of the natural world being a world of "harmony". Werner Herzog, on the other hand, disagrees and claims that the natural world is a world of "murder" and other mean things. That is equally childish. Enough with the teenage angst, Werner!

Treadwell and Herzog are both wrong. The natural world is not a paradise, but it's not "evil" either. It's full of things that we consider "bad" and full of things that we consider "good", but essentially it's neutral.

Timothy seems to think that the wild bears are basically humans. He doesn't realize that the bears don't love him like he loves them; he's an irrational romantic. Werner claims that the bears are some kind of emotionless robots mainly interested in food. Why? Because that's what he "sees" when he looks into their eyes; he's an irrational romantic.

Yes, bears are not humans. But it's a scientific, biological fact that they are social animals that share our capacity for feeling. The world of bears is often violent, but it's also full of things like play, joy and friendship. Herzog can't see that because bears don't communicate their emotions the same way that humans do. In other words, he's like a dog thinking that humans can't feel joy just because humans don't wag their tails. Ask Jonathan Balcombe, he knows this stuff.

Anyway, it's a beautiful documentary, and both Timothy and Werner seem like very decent human beings after all. Here's one unrelated bear playing with his human friend, both of them getting the joke:

torstai 23. lokakuuta 2014

I've been jealous all my life

James Dean is important to me again. East of Eden just makes a lot of sense to me. You all should see that. James Dean and I should be friends. It would be nice to not feel really short all the time.

Lana Del Rey is a good joke, I don't think she's being serious. I'm still kind of drunk.

lauantai 18. lokakuuta 2014

I have to stop pretending that I have answers when I actually don't. Living through this is not easy, but it's not impossible either. The answers don't need to be extreme.


Girls should learn to open their mouths when they are right. And boys should learn to stop talking when they are wrong.


There's a house... and Vivian Maier... and an old gay man... and a black boy... who's a thief... and then there's JW... ... ... and ghosts

He held your hand and he sang you a song

I think that this song is pretty much perfect:

I'm always ready to lose everybody and everything. Then again that sounds overly dramatic and silly. We are such fools, all of us. It's great to be human.

perjantai 17. lokakuuta 2014

keskiviikko 15. lokakuuta 2014

Stop kissing that ass, you silly fools
Breathe out and you can see the poetry in your pain.

Yeah, it's so poetic that it's almost ridiculous. But I don't want it. You can have it if you need it.

If I didn't write, I'd be dead already.

My flower-like life

You grow up thinking that you're one of the lucky kids. Then somewhere along the line things fall apart and you realize that you're one of the doomed ones.

But being doomed doesn't mean that life is going to destroy you. It just means that it's going to be a little harder on you than it is on most people. But maybe it's the contrast that can make your life greater than most lives: you've been through the dark stuff, so maybe after the things you saw earlier, the good stuff seems brighter.

Let's be honest for once: things fell apart a long long time ago and I haven't done much to deal with it. I'm just bitter and angry. Wow! Am I fucked up.

It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out. Don't ask me what's wrong with me, because I simply don't have any answers. I need advice, I need advice, nobody ever looks at me twice.
Fuck it.

Be BRAVE. Even when it's impossible. Especially when it's impossible.

tiistai 14. lokakuuta 2014

sunnuntai 12. lokakuuta 2014

lauantai 11. lokakuuta 2014

I remember how I went to a loud concert when I was 17. After that I realized that my ears had started ringing. The ringing felt like the end of the world. For a week I was almost suicidal.

Then one day I simply thought: Okay. I have tinnitus. The sound is there and it's never going to go away. The sound is a fact. But there's no reason why it should be a bad thing.

And then I just never thought about it again. It is a neutral fact.

For years I didn't even hear it. I'm simply not afraid of the sound anymore and therefore not listening to it. It recently got worse and then I heard it for one evening, but then I forgot about it again and it virtually disappeared.

This is my greatest success story so far. I want to be able to look at everything I cannot change like this. As neutral facts that are not scary. Someday I'll get there.
There's something disturbing about the documentary American Vagabond. Its central character, a young gay man named James Temple, is homeless after running away from a mentally violent home; James tells how his father Jim used to abuse him verbally, tell him to kill himself, and eventually abandoned him; James talks about how he was traumatized after seeing his dad torture a bird on a hunting trip, and how he decided that he simply didn't want to see animals get killed anymore.

But the documentary ends with a letter James has written to his father: "I love you, dad. ... I'd love to go hunting and fishing with you... I know I didn't like it when I was younger, but now I know what's important and I think it would be fun..." No you don't. Why are you giving up? You did nothing wrong. Your father has been a horrible person. What he did to you was inexcusable. What he did to the bird was inexcusable. He's the one who should be apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Where do fathers like this come from? There are hundreds of millions of them in this world. What are their stories? Who destroyed them? Not too many people are born evil.

It seems that nearly everyone I know are better than their parents. It's odd. How bad humans generally seem to be at being mothers and fathers. How bad humans seem to be at loving. I guess the best thing you can do is grow up to be better than the people who created you.

perjantai 10. lokakuuta 2014

This book is beautiful as Jesus

and it may be able to make me famous

Oh Lord.

Come on

Hit me harder!

I'm so glad I don't live in a microwave.

Though tomorrow - don't look that good

I ordered new lungs, and they gave me a nonfunctional heart. Don't feel bad for me, you already have enough sorrow in yours.

Sometimes it feels like everyone I know is insane. I realize that I'm surrounded by people that every weird teenager in a small town would love to be surrounded by. I should be grateful. I should be a grapefruit.

On the subway today I looked at my hands and thought that they are ugly hands, they are fucked-up hands, but they are my hands. This story will end in pride.

I'm still trying to figure out this love thing. How it will work out for me. I have no idea, but I'll make it work.

I've been doing my best to be a good person, a nice person, a reliable person in a chaotic situation. But it doesn't seem to be working, as people usually end up hating me. I'm thinking that maybe I should try to be bad for some time. At least then I could stop asking "Why?" I'll try to be bad for some time.

I could write a book about a hacker who's got the power to destroy anybody in the world, but who can only destroy themselves.

People who say that it was Jennifer Lawrence's fault that her private pictures were leaked and spread all over the Internet are what's wrong with this world. "She should have been more careful, she got what she deserved!" means that you show a psychopathic lack of mercy and humanity. You're basically saying that if a person is human and makes a mistake, they deserve to be destroyed. That's not how it goes, you fucking jerks. I wish people like this simply went away. They don't have a heart, and they have a very miserable excuse for a brain.

See, I failed at that bad boy thing already
Of course you must do your best to be good.

Ethics. It's as simple as that.

Young zombie

If you know what you are talking about, you can say it in a way that a child would understand. Not too many people are doing that.

torstai 9. lokakuuta 2014

I have to stop saying that I'm ugly. I'm like those people who are not fat but keep saying "Oh my God I'm so fat" just so that somebody would tell them "You are not fat."
Looking at your world, and thinking that it'll never be mine.

tiistai 7. lokakuuta 2014

Loneliness and unhappiness are the same thing. And yes, it's actually me saying this.
I think I need my own Johnny Marr. I'd like to see how that works. If two different geniuses can create amazing music together, why couldn't two different geniuses create amazing literature together?

I'm serious. Just show up at my door.

To live or not to live

Life is giving me more and more reasons to believe in ghosts. The boring fact is that there's always a scientific explanation. I wish there wasn't.

I've been feeling guilty over living like a crazy person. My mind thinks that I should be thinking, writing, turning the world into a better place. But that's not how it goes.

It's okay to be messed up for a while.

Actually, if you're chronically rational, painfully good at abstract thinking, the best thing you can do is live. Live, live, LIVE for some time. See what it's like to be a human being. Be stupid. Be an idiot. Make mistakes. Stumble. Vomit. See life in its beautifully horrible entirety.

Then you understand how the whole thing works.

Then you can write about it.

Oh Travis

This is fucked up:

Video for Panic! at the Disco's song Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off, directed by someone named Travis Kopach. Don't watch it, it's sad.

Once again a music video with people torturing fish because torturing fish is Artistic. I wonder how many animals had to suffer painful deaths because Travis wanted to seem deep and cool.

The 'Let Us Be Cruel to Fish in Music Videos' phenomenon has been going on for a long time now, and it's fucking disturbing. It's got something to do with MTV. I remember seeing this particular video ~8 years ago. Then I just blankly stared at it, not really seeing anything. People are blind, and then they stumble upon information, and then they see.

We have to find a way to educate people. And we will find it.

I don't want to live in a world like this. So I'll have to change it. I wish good people realized that they don't have to kill themselves; they can stay and change things.

By the way, fish are smarter than dogs.

maanantai 6. lokakuuta 2014

sunnuntai 5. lokakuuta 2014


Too many words. They don't help me at all.

Everybody has reasons to be unhappy. Some problems are bigger than others, but everybody thinks that their problems are big enough. But self-pity doesn't help. Anger doesn't help. Let sorrow catch you, because it's been trying to catch you all this time and when you keep running, you only hurt yourself more. Sorrow has things to say. Let it do what it's here for.

I'm tired of people who think that you can just fix everything by being "positive". I fucking hate that word. The reason that you Positivity Vessels and Gurus are capable of staying positive through all this shit is that you have genes that give you an exceptional psychological ability to feel happiness. You got lucky with your brain. For the rest of us, shit is shit and there's not much that we can do about it.

lauantai 4. lokakuuta 2014

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.


Here are some song titles for my nonexistent album:

1. The Equator
2. Grower

I'll keep coming up with these

They could have given us a life

but they gave an adventure.
Just ask and we'll see what comes out of my mouth.
The past week was

but now I'm okay. Well, I'm never okay. But this horrible story has beauty and we are the winners at the end of it.

perjantai 3. lokakuuta 2014

Poor twisted child, so ugly, so ugly; the poor twisted child, oh hug me, oh hug me

This bitterness is killing me. It is. You don't know how it feels to hurt like this. You don't. I would kill myself if I didn't have so many important things to do. Stuff like writing books and taking out the garbage.

I want somebody, anybody to love me. But it's not happening. Also, nowadays I only discuss embarrassing things. I mean truly embarrassing things. I have this project. I hope that this is okay with you.

Have sex with me. You won't find it satisfying, and you will feel sorry for me and for yourself, but you should give it a try.

"The part of the brain that interprets sexual arousal is the same area that interprets other arousal stimuli such as fear, and anger. This is actually where the theory of make-up sex comes from, the idea that the brain accidentally misinterprets one type of arousal, such as anger, for sexual arousal. So while the person is really upset, they feel aroused because the brain interpreted the arousal as sexual." 

That explains something. Jesus, I'm so fucking horny angry. I completely understand how Pekka-Eric Auvinen felt when he decided to go and kill people. I don't understand why he did what he did, but I do understand how he felt when he decided to do it. There's a big difference. Bad things happen to good people. Personally, I find it even more unbearable that GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE.

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a healthy, able person. But unfortunately I'm quite ugly. Am I ugly? So they say. With their eyes. This is a fact. But I could also lack arms and legs and a head and the whole lower body.

I've been very insecure lately.

I've become pretty good at jamesdeanism. But nobody gives a fuck, because people know too little about James Dean to get the joke. Fuck you. You should feel ashamed of yourselves. Fuck you for everything.

I have this project that I'll do my best to be fucking horrible for a few days. Hopefully it'll help, babe. It's much more fun than sadness.

Fame will be my revenge. I am a genius, and this is another embarrassing fact. It's all I have, it's always been this way, and it's a rather huge thing, but it isn't making me happy. Genius will never make you happy, but it can give others the illusion that you're capable of finding exceptional happiness, and that's what I want. I want others to think that I found something better. I want them to feel horrible. Right now I really don't care what you're going to think about this. One day the essence of my art will be total honesty. I will spend the coming years searching for the courage to become the person that I am. I've already begun.

All this will kill me. But everybody dies. You will die too, and that makes me so happy. I have no idea who I'm talking to.

Bitch, you'd be fucked up too.

Fuck you. I like Cat Power. They say she's insane, I hope that it's true. You should watch this. Fuck you for everything. You are a horrible person for reading this and you should go to Hell and stay there for 10 minutes.

I'm going through some old pictures, and turns out I'd left pictures of the actual Mozzy-Moz in my camera:

By the way. What is it really about; really changing the world, as an artist or scientist or anything? It is about disagreeing with your friends. Anyway, I also found a picture of me:

Did you really think that is me? Of course it's not me. Are you blind? It's clearly someone completely else. I have no idea who that is. Stop thinking that it's me, stupid.

Next, something troubling. This is a picture of me from a million years ago:

It's been many years and I am actually a child in that photo. Or an almost-child. A very fabulous child, I know. But anyway, now I am an "adult". What's tragic is that I still look exactly like that. (Well, maybe not exactly.) However, it should be noted that one of my dreams is to one day be a professional boxer whose most interesting trait is a sad, worried face that never goes away.

torstai 2. lokakuuta 2014