keskiviikko 24. syyskuuta 2014

You're not mine

You will always be yours.

And so will I. Yours. Always.

I'm moonlighting as a nonsensical poet nowadays.

I just realized that someone I know is a lot like Harry Houdini. Odd.

tiistai 23. syyskuuta 2014

A word to remember: lopsided

I don't actually have anything to say right now! I could be quiet for some time.

:) says it all.


Being a good writer means that you can write about Absolutely Nothing and make that seem beautiful and meaningful. It is sort of disgusting.

Just like there's a lot of people who say they're fat when they really aren't, there's a lot of people who say they're awkward when they really aren't. I'm always awkward, and this is a fact. Except when I'm drunk; then I'm just mindless and horrible.

Whenever people treat me like shit, I have real trouble bringing it up. It's too painful. Like I was the one who did the wrong thing. "I'm so sorry that you treated me like shit. Please forgive me." "I gave so much and you gave me nothing. You must be exhausted." In reality, this stuff should be very simple. A basic part of healthy human relationships. There's nothing dangerous about it. Jesus, help me. I must and will become stronger than this. Yeah, I keep talking to Jesus.

Be loyal. You don't always have to be honest or nice. Be loyal. Be loyal to your friends. And when you realize that you were wrong all along, be loyal to the truth.

maanantai 22. syyskuuta 2014

lauantai 20. syyskuuta 2014

A message to every single human being on this Earth

I spent some time alone in a bar in Kajaani. "Your jacket is too big," said a man, angrily. "Yes," I said. "Your jacket is too big." "Yes?" "It looks stupid!" "Yes." "You really don't understand, do you?" "No." "Get out!"

I have no idea why it matters that my jacket is too big.
I have no idea why it matters that I look stupid.
I have no idea why anything like that should matter. Most things don't matter at all. Then there are a few things that matter, and they matter a lot.

Shame is an illusion.

If I die now, play this repeatedly at my funeral:

I'm not a happy person, not yet, but if I hadn't seen that stupid video when I was 13, I would be dead.

My thumb keeps bleeding. It's my own fault.

Kom igen Lena

When everyone else has gone, I'm the one beside you.

I know that I know nothing.

I don't know what this poetry is. I should stop.

torstai 18. syyskuuta 2014

I've got too much to lose now.

It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate

I used to have this very clear vision of what people are like and what I am like. Then I met people and realized that I know nothing. Nothing. I would like to be a good person and be good to others. But it seems that I'm not good at that. In theory, I am good. In practice, I'm not. Everybody's hurt by things I have said and done. I don't understand. Turns out I am an obnoxious asshole. I'm not trying to be that way, I'm trying to be better things. I won't give up until I've found the way to be good to others. I still think love has something to do with this.

On the other hand, it's not healthy to live your life trying to please everybody. It is impossible. Be yourself. Maybe it's not enough, but in the long run, it is the only thing you can do.

I cycled by the children's hospital. That used to be one of my favourite places in the world when I was a child. I was a wild child and always breaking my bones. I loved the smell of the hospital, I loved getting out of school and then waiting for hours in the long corridors of the hospital and then eating icecream. When I was a child, I couldn't see death the way I do now.

I keep having very depressing dreams about people I know.

I think this must be depression. Welcome back.

On the other hand... I have these waves of warm hope.
And what is unhappiness? It is when you compare yourself to others. When the thing that matters is not what you have, but what you don't have.

And hope? It is air filling your lungs.

I would like to be temporarily locked up in a little room with nothing in it, being unable to do anything but lie on the floor and wait for somebody else to let me out.

keskiviikko 17. syyskuuta 2014

I'm starting to understand happiness. Not well, yet. But there's this thought taking form in my head.

You have to choose happiness to eventually find it. You have to welcome it. There are fears telling you that happiness is bad, but you have to let it come in.

You cannot change shit. But you can change the way you look at shit. You don't have to take it seriously. You can laugh.

That's what happens when you jump

I find it very difficult to say anything honest and true when I'm not drunk.

Writing is easier.

I want to be your friend, but I'm not good at that. I'm not good at that.

Should I give up?

I'm always sad and I'm always nervous, and it is physically impossible for me to be good to the people around me. My heart's beating so fast that I can't hear what you say. I'm exhausted and have been for a long time. I don't want to die. I just want to be nonexistent for a while.

Always, always, always ready to lose everything. I have to learn to trust.

I can continue swimming in sadness and self-pity. Or I can stop taking it all so seriously and live.

Live. Not sure if I can do that, but I can definitely give it a try. In any case, I embrace the very odd in you, the ancient, the embarrassing, the dirty, the divine, the human, the unexpected.

There'll come a time when I'll be much stronger than this. Don't give up on me and don't let me down. This is what happens when you jump.

maanantai 15. syyskuuta 2014

About one hour, and then I've been married to Morrissey for 4 years.

What the hell am I doing

I'm so full of shit sometimes

I'm taking my jokes too far sometimes


forgive me.

A broken neck

I hadn't ridden my bike in 14 and a half months. But today I did it again. Actually, it's my mother's old bike. It has flowers painted on it. I don't care. I love it. I rode it on the dark streets, singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun, and that's the happiest I've been in a very long while. I sang some Elvis too, of course. I'm going to stop walking and replace that with cycling.

I noticed that I'm faster and stronger than 14 months ago. It was all so easy. Lord knows why. Is beer a steroid? A bus drove by that said 'karaoke bus' and I thought that that's something that I'm going to get on sooner or later. Mark my words.

Would you like to know how I'm going to die? Of course you do. I'm going to die riding a bike. There's something fucked up about the way I do it. It's dangerous and awful, and wonderfully intoxicating. One of these days I'm going to think "That guy's gotta stop... He'll see me" and 3 seconds later I'll be dead. A broken neck. Multiple fractures. Massive internal injuries. Tragic. I'm going to try to get everything important done before this happens! 

I had genius when I was 16. Now there's a new genius forming in my head, and one of these is going to kill me if the bike doesn't.

The Sundays have disgusting songs that seem to exist solely for the purpose of showing off Harriet Wheeler's adorable voice. One of the worst (the best) examples of this is this:

I can understand if someone finds that annoying. Personally, I find it adorable, of course. Some annoying things are very adorable. Puppies are very annoying, if you think about it. Jesus, I love puppies. So much. One of these days I'm going to be famous and Harriet Wheeler is going to find all this stuff I've written about her voice and she's going to sue me and take all my money. That would be so adorable. Why exactly would she sue me? Is she nuts? I think she's going to write me a letter:
Dear "Olli Brander",

Please leave me alone.

Best wishes,
Harriet Wheeler.

I found the perfect boyfriend for the girl I love. Now I'm going to bring them together. That's a happy ending for everybody.

If by any chance you, the person reading this, happen to be a girl looking for a physically unappealing boy who hates nearly all normal things, doesn't tell you anything but expects you to tell him everything, is horny but too neurotic to have sex, and turns everything into a problem, please do let me know.

Being famous in Finland is like being popular in school. It's an illusion. Step out of the building, and nobody knows who you are. Of course, all fame is an illusion if you realize the size of the Universe.

torstai 11. syyskuuta 2014

English is hard

Today Daphne and Niles finally found each other. I had to keep watching Frasier for something like 9 months to see this happen. I kept waiting and waiting. Now my heart is full.

If I should ever fall in love with you, consider yourself unlucky. Because when I fall in love with people, I start to see them as More Than Human, and that's a very difficult position to be in. You can only fail, and here I am, staring at you from the corner of the room and anxiously waiting for you to fail.

This song has been in my life for nearly 7 years:

It's making more and more sense now. I found Josiah Leming when he was on American Idol. He was 18, I was 13 and he caught my attention by crying all the time. It was interesting. It was obvious that he was severely unstable and lost. I googled his name and found videos of him singing songs he'd written. After 2 seconds it was clear that his talent was not normal. He was a genius. It's strange that he still hasn't become a star. Will he ever become a star? I don't know. There's something about his personality that probably makes things difficult. It's very easy to hate or at least get very annoyed by him when you see him giving an interview or just talking to the camera. He seems unbearably fake, like he's trying to be somebody else. Maybe that's something that he needs to do in order to survive. I don't know. Maybe I am the same way.

I'm slightly disturbed by the existence of another person named Olli Brander. I could have Satanic nightmares about this.

Four (4) months ago I knew none of the people in my life. Nobody. You see, Harry, sometimes things just happen. (I have no idea how this happened.) This summer was incredibly painful and difficult. Like I've been saying, I've realized that I suck in ways that I never even knew a person could suck. But I have to experience this. All of it.

There's something strange about me. Or I don't know if it's strange; maybe everybody's the same way but they just don't talk about it. The strange thing is that I always, always carry this very heavy feeling of shame with me. It's like a hand on my throat. I feel shame for everything I am, everything I do and everything I say. I don't know why, but it's been like this since I was 12. The things that I'm most proud of are also the things that I'm most ashamed of. I feel shame for the best things about me.

I have no idea where this comes from. But it sure as hell doesn't stop me from being who I am, doing what I do, and saying what has to be said. One of these days I'll write a very good book about this. The best characters I've ever come up with are all people haunted by shame.

On the subject of shame: It's a shame most people know so little about James Dean nowadays. I wish there were more people getting my Joke. Anyway, this is one of the things that I'm constantly ashamed of. Why do people like James Dean mean something to me? It feels idiotic. Anyway, I'm starting to think that James Dean and I should meet. I used to somehow dislike him as a person, but now that I've realized that I suck in all the ways that he sucked (except that I don't have a thing for bullfighting), I do think that we should meet and spend some time together. Naturally, I will need a good shovel to do this, as he is dead and has been for 59 years.

For the record, I don't care about the rock'n'roll yeehaa vroom vroom image of James Dean. I care about the real stuff.

Sometimes I'm mad at my mother's side of the family for being such dwarfs and making me such a semi-dwarf. Sometimes I'm mad at my father's side of the family for having such horrible skin and giving me such horrible skin. But I'm not sure if I'd want it to be any other way. People who've been given good cards can never be truly strong.

maanantai 8. syyskuuta 2014

No, I can't stop this

I know that I'm arrogant and uninterested. Those things mean that I'm scared. People have no idea how scared I am. Which means that people have no idea how brave I am.

There are millions and millions of good-looking young people in the world. We don't need any more of those. It's boring. I can be something else. I can be something better.

Man. I'll have to rewrite a lot. Kill people and replace them. Turn one person into the person she is, and get rid of the things that she isn't. Okay. Okay? Okay.

sunnuntai 7. syyskuuta 2014

A joke and then I'll leave:

My head explodes. I think these people would get along well. Because nice people usually get along with other nice people. I know that, even though I am not very nice.

If you have time in your feet, please listen to these 48 hours and tell me how it makes you feel. I must know.

I feel like a genius now.

Now this is taking too much time

Gotta write a book. See ya.

There are birds outside my window. They're looking in.

Repeatedly clicking on 'random article' on Wikipedia feels like taking a nightly ride in an unknown city.

lauantai 6. syyskuuta 2014

Enrique Iglesias - I'm tired of being sorry

I spent 220 euros in one night. What the fuck. This is insane. I should stop being insane.

The people around me are giving me a life, and all I can give them is shit and pain and beer sometimes. I guess it's because I feel like they're too good for me. I feel like they should realize this and go away. I'm sure that this constant complaining makes me even more charming. It's amazing how patient people are with me. Thanks.

It seems that everything that happened (or didn't happen) to me when I was 13-19 has left me 50% autistic. But this is curable.

Lately it seems like I've thrown away about 40 IQ points. It's a temporary thing that makes my life a little bit easier. One of these days I'll start talking about things that matter again, but not quite yet. I need this.

I was wandering around alone with nothing to do, so I randomly went and saw The Fault in Our Stars. The auditorium was filled with people crying the whole time. I just smiled the whole time. For several reasons, this movie filled me with peaceful happiness. I love to see young people die. The sentence that came before this one is a joke. No it's not. We all love to see young people die. (One strange thing: nobody ate animals in this movie. They did throw eggs, but the movie didn't show anyone eating animals. Fact: usually the meat industry pays Hollywood money so that they show all the favourite characters eating meat on screen. This was an American movie where nobody ate animals. What is this?)

Maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't read the book by John Green the movie's based on. It's about kids that want to live but must die. My book is about kids that want to die but get another chance to live. I know what I have to do.
I can say that I'm not a selfish person. I'm actually not selfish at all. Well, maybe to a certain extent; everybody is. But at the very moment so many huge things are happening in my life that I am hideously self-centered. I will stop talking about myself all the time when I move on.
Sometimes I hate myself, a lot. Everybody expects different things from me, and that's one of the main reasons why I hate myself. You're tearing me apart, and so on. I simply can't be all the things you want me to be. Sometimes, I can't be any of the things you want me to be. I'm going to do what I have to do. Stop expecting anything else.

I know it's annoying, and messy, and often unbearable. But that's how it's always going to be with me, and you either deal or leave.

I will be murdered

It's like my brains and hands are burning to write this book, I've felt this way the whole day, and the whole yesterday, but I JUST CAN'T DO IT, I can't do ANYTHING, I can't write a SINGLE WORD, there's too much that I need to change, and I know exactly what I have to do, but I just CAN'T do it for fuck's sake, it's too huge

The whole James Dean part, it already goes a lot deeper than most of the other dead idiots but I could do a lot better, come on, it's James Dean, I have what it takes to write very good stuff about James Dean. I know what it should be about. Why on Earth does James Dean mean something to me? Where did it come from? Why doesn't it go away? Am I a 'James Dean fan'? It makes no sense! Fuck you!

Life is about mysteries like this. Why things matter to you, why people matter to you, and why they don't when they don't

And I know that I have to kill someone, and that's fucking awful, killing someone

Maybe I should write it in English, lol

Fuck you, fuck everything, I'm so excited about this and I just fucking fuck you

perjantai 5. syyskuuta 2014

Try your best

I have this feeling that I don't deserve the people around me. I don't deserve people. Because I'm not good.

This will pass. Something will pass.

The worst thing about the drunken me is that he lies. On the sidewalk and about everything.


I have no idea what is happening in Israel. Well, I do know what is happening in Israel: suddenly regular people are finding out how the animal industries function, and instead of giving excuses, they're deciding to start boycotting what's happening. It's not like everyone is doing this, but it's a change that's happened in Israel a lot faster and a lot more radically than anywhere else.

A few days ago this activist woman, a mother of three, won Big Brother Israel. Initially, she was meant to be an oddity on the show who wouldn't last long, and the Big Brother team did their best to provoke and annoy her, but she turned out to be this Martin Luther King like character that changed the hearts of people inside the house and outside the house. One person, ONE PERSON, changed the way an entire nation sees animals, possibly forever. Like, what the fuck. It's too beautiful to be true.

These things simply don't happen. Except that they do. They actually happen, and I can't believe it.

What I don't know is why. Why Israel? I haven't exactly considered Israel to be some sort of moral frontrunner of the world. But in this case, that's what they are. Maybe there's goodness in all of us. In many ways, humans are shit, but in the end, humans are good.

The end of this is something extraordinary. 2:08:

keskiviikko 3. syyskuuta 2014