The nicest bad boy who ever lived

It's funny how ridiculously smug and conceited I was for such a long time, always talking about how "good" I was. And now all I want to tell everybody is how deeply I suck. (Sucking is no problem for me. Face it, admit it, do something about the things that hurt others and learn to love the things that you can't get rid of.)

Eddie

I'm almost certain that Frasier Crane is Satan. I can see that when he laughs.

I don't really know why I keep watching this show almost daily. But do people ever understand why they're so attracted to Satan?

Remember that you live in 1914

Maybe there are people who are capable of living and sleeping. I'm not one of them.

I meet people and things happen all the time. I fall in love and people fall in love. I simply can't sleep. I can't even sit down and breathe. I have to walk in circles. I have no idea what's going on.

I had a dream where I was spending time in an old house. The person I was with said that being gay is unnatural, and I just calmly stormed out. I keep having dreams about people saying silly things, and me storming out. What? Where is this coming from?

If there's one thing that I really, really, really hate in the world, it's small fish tanks. I want to see the day when those go away and stop existing. How can some people be so incredibly stupid?

But I must focus on living right now. It's necessary. I must. This is a strange dream that might end tomorrow. It's okay. If this lasts, okay. If it doesn't, okay. I just have to experience this. As a person and as a writer, I have to experience this.

There's something demonic about me right now. But I'm not losing myself. Seriously, I have the right to do things. I have the right to focus on life. I have the right not to be sad all the time. I have the right not to think about the existence of inhumane fish tanks all the time.

Bear with me. I'm not an asshole.

I do love bears.

Easy to Get

I have this horrible feeling that my life as Olli Brander and my life as Olli can never happen simultaneously. That the other one is eating the other one, inevitably, forever until only one lives. And my role is to choose.

I don't know. Sleep now. You're driving everybody insane. Especially yourself. Who am I talking to? Myself? Okay. Just proves my point.

This is incredible.

Hey, you should just walk away now.

I was happy once, and it was very painful

Gotta write everything down.

My head is full of floating stupidity.

Suddenly all these people in my life, and I feel severely lost. The past 3 days are just a weird series of static images of really strange things happening. Existential crisis is my reaction to everything.

I don't sleep. My parents don't want me here anymore. It's fair. They've been excellent, intelligent, loving parents. If they want me to go, I will go. I need to find a place where I can spend days sleeping and nights writing.

I googled 'my reaction to everything' and found this:

I have no idea who that is, but I can feel it too.

So anyway

“One day, you’re 17 and you’re planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” ― John Green

Good one, Johnny boy. I've noticed that this is what happens to most people. Most people around me and most people everywhere. But it will never happen to me.