I don't want to seem sincere, I want to be sincere. I don't want to use sincerity as some sort of artistic device, I want sincerity be sincerity, truth to be truth, hearts to be hearts. And I've still got such a long way to go.
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I saw a French film called The Life of Adèle (or "Blue Is the Warmest Colour" or something; it seems to have many names). The movie was about young lesbians and it was 3 hours long. So I spent 3 hours missing Fucking Åmål. Agnes and Elin had rebellion. Agnes and Elin had warmth. I believed in them. Adèle and her girlfriend were just eh. And they kept eating animals all the time, which was slightly Satanic and not a very rebellious thing to do.
It's all about the rebellion for me.
And Satan.
This month, I've already written 30 posts on this blog. This is getting ridiculous, so maybe I'll shut up for a while now.
You have no reason to shut up. Keep going.
VastaaPoistaGlad to hear that.
PoistaBut maybe I should concentrate more on the Very Essential Stuff and less on the Not So Essential Stuff (like writing these posts).
Maybe.
PoistaWow! I'm not the only person awake.
PoistaHow are you? Did you just wake up? Or are you about to go to bed? Do you ever sleep in general?
I would like to tell you that I walk around the city all night long and never sleep. Actually, here the time is 6 hours more than there where you stay awake. As boring as it is, I go to sleep at the same time that ordinary people do. Maybe I'm the ordinary people, just a weird version.
PoistaI suppose I'm quite fine. How about you? When was the last time when you went to sleep? How did you feel then? Did you smile?
Where are you? How do you spend your days?
PoistaI went to bed at 12 and woke up at 22. I had to do that, otherwise the lack of sleep would have killed me. I didn't smile, I didn't cry, I certainly wasn't very happy but not unbearably unhappy either.
I'm in Shanghai, in China. I spend my days as being mind absent and planing things I would like to do if I were in some place else. Irrational. I also read, roll on the floor and laugh in the parks. And yeah, school...
PoistaWhat are you doing in China?
PoistaAre you Chinese? If not, would you like to be Chinese?
Are things great in China? What is the worst thing about China?
Do you have Chinese friends? Do you have friends? Are they cool?
I'm studying.
PoistaNo, I'm Finnish. Sometimes, I think I would be happier if I were Chinese. I would like the most to like the most to be what I am.
Every place has it good and not so good sides. I think it's great that it's ok for people to walk backwards while singing and for men to use pink lace umbrellas without being weirdos (and without anyone beating them up).
If you refer by friends to people who I go eat and sit in the school (I can't stand them after school), some of my friends are partially Chinese. I have also my Chinese teacher, but I don't know if she can or cannot be counted as a friend. I have some kind of far away-friends close to you and they are sometimes quite cool.
Are you cool?
Do you often have plan things or are you more spontaneous person?
Does the time ever depress you or make you panicked? Or are you okay with time?
What are you studying? And why?
PoistaI am _extremely_ cool in an extremely strange kind of way.
I plan a lot. But if I had a life, I think I'd be insanely spontaneous in it. I plan on getting a life pretty soon.
Time is the worst and the best thing about life. Lately it's been the best thing I can think of. The most soothing thing. Every evil person and every evil thing will die and disappear. They'll be forgotten. And eventually the day will come when our species has completely disappeared from the universe. There's something deeply comforting about this.
All bad things are temporary. I love it.
PoistaI'm studying in an international school here. I'm studying Chinese, music, science, English etc. I got an opportunity to move here and I used it. Mainly because the opportunity it self, but I also thought that I would change, go out from the room inside me in the other side of the world. I realized afterwards that that could have also been a reason. This reminds me of Voltaire and his book called Candide (I don't know if you have read it or not).
PoistaI think there are no evil persons. There were and are just evil things that made and make people do evil things and the circle is infinite (until the extremely comforting end finally comes). I believe that people have been in the world already far too long. We have gone too far. Every day the behavior of people gives me shivers. Larger amount of people should have woke up (it's so easy to be wise afterwards).
I believe in the existence of genuinely evil people: the 1-2% of population that are psychopaths.
PoistaThe rest of us, the non-psychopaths, are capable of evil because we can use denial. We can decide that our victims don't feel our violence. "They're just niggers." "They're just fish."
Eventually, information, goodness and compassion will beat the denial - they've already done so many times before. The way socities function seems to follow certain mechanisms.
Are you happy in China?
I'm believing too much for that everything has a reason in their past and I know that it's irrational. If nobody wouldn't be evil but just because of something that happened to them there should still be something that started that at some point.
PoistaI'm ashamed to be a human and so selfish. But maybe it's better to be ashamed, a human and selfish than not be ashamed. Some people might just think that everything we do is okay and we do mistakes and wrong things because we are just human beings but I can't do that.
It is hard to say. I believe that it doesn't matter where I'm. I'm just as happy or sad as I would be somewhere else. Of course it's possible that I'm terribly wrong. Today I was happy, not anymore though. I was shaking of excitement because of all my inspirational thoughts and feelings. Now I'm again just apathetic and sad.
"But maybe it's better to be ashamed, a human and selfish than not be ashamed."
PoistaI know exactly what you mean, and I agree 100%.
"Today I was happy, not anymore though. I was shaking of excitement because of all my inspirational thoughts and feelings. Now I'm again just apathetic and sad."
Once again, I know exactly what you mean.
Right now I'm kind of happy. I think it's possible to learn to BEAT those sudden violent fits of unhappiness. I am going to be happy some day. I just have to become stronger: I have to learn to care less about the idiots and more about the heroes and weirdos.
You can do that too. Join me. We'll make it.
I don't know if this is beginning to be sick to check this post still after a while from my first comment but I don't actually even care.
PoistaIt's relieving to know that certain kind of people exists. They differ from each other a lot, but there is something on them giving hope. For example, last Sunday I was taking photos of abandoned bumper cars when a 30-year-old Chinese man came to talk to me (and I think I got now a Chinese friend). Also, my first teacher (who taught me only a one year (and in that year I was running away from school more than ever (as it would matter (maybe she remembers me still because of that))and we never met again) is still sending me postcards every year.
We'll make it.
Yeah.
PoistaI think that there's hope and light in the great majority of people. People tend to have more goodness than evil inside them; people want to be good. Even the most hopeless idiots can turn out to be alright, if you just wait and give them a chance. Waiting can of course be pretty hard sometimes.
Goodness is a biological thing. Evolution has made us quite nice, in general. If you look at the history of the species, you can see that at the end of each story, the nice sides of humanity usually outweigh the not-so-nice sides.