Can't wait

(Jesus, Herman's Hermits were the most annoying band ever to grace the universe, mainly because of the lead singer who looks like the grown-up Dennis the Menace)






Aaaaddddddffffgggggggghh,

I don't know.

Things are really even more complicated than I thought 3 days ago.

I mean I could finish BODIES now. I could finish the book in three months. I could make some changes. The main problem with the story is that I'm afraid I've created too much empty, dull, gray, boring air between the interesting parts, and that's the one crime I'm not willing to commit. I have rather clear, extremely exciting scenes in my head, scenes that are yet to be vomited out: the night club full of famous murderers; the encounter with Albert Einstein; the moment when things start to speed up; Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly cleaning Tommi's wounds and trying to make him stay; the moment when Tommi starts to understand; the moment when he escapes; Tommi and the Girl at the cemetery, discussing loneliness and their pasts in an open grave and then making love; the arctic seashore where Tommi finally meets his Grandfather; the explanation and the mystery; the hospital; the keys; the last scene.

Now when I think about it, it does turn me on. I do want to tell this story. I'm also trying to be... practical? I dunno, but the thing is quite simply that I'm aware that deciding to write LOSERS first would mean that it would take 1,5 extra years for my dreams to come true; and that's too much, way too much. LOSERS is a manic story with a manic narrator, but it's not a story that I could write in 3 months; I have too much material, too much wrath, too much pain, too much hope, too many ideas, too many people to cram into it.

So yeah, I'm afraid I've only got one option. I'm gonna complete BODIES, at any cost, and I'm gonna do it fast. NOBODY CAN STOP ME – except me. I'm gonna have to find the way to get over ME and then just WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE.



I just have to find the Flame again. There are at least 2 paths to go:


1. IF IT DOESN'T WORK, CHANGE IT

That's my philosophy when it comes to other things, so why not this thing as well? If there's stagnation, throw it out. If it's boring, replace it with fire. If it lacks substance, throw in the substance. Delete entire chapters, write entirely new chapters, kill darlings, find darlings.

2. GO AND FIND THE BARENTS SEA

This one is a bit more difficult. Or maybe this is the easier one... Well, the problem with this option is that in order to do this, to find and visit all the places I want to find and visit, I have to get a driver's licence somehow. And in order to do THAT I'm going to have to sit in rooms and cars with strange, potentially unpleasant people. That's okay, I do that more often than one could think based on these writings, but the problems don't end there. If I DO get a driver's licence, the tricky part is still waiting for me to tackle it – I actually have to get into the car (the car? what car?) and then drive hundreds, even thousands of kilometers, and eventually cross the border and eventually-eventually wander arctic seashores surrounded by Norwegian fishermen. Which would be totally okay if they weren't fishermen. Or people.

All in all this option contains way too many difficulties: if I really do get into this so-far-fictional car, start the engine and get on the road, I'll be forced into the world like a slimy premature baby. I'm going to have to meet people, talk to people, find places to sleep, things to eat, people to trust.
And all this should be done pretty soon and pretty fast. Hmm.

I guess I'm going to have to do this. I don't really have options, do I? If I don't want to end up wasting my life dreaming instead of chasing my dreams, if I don't want to become one of those bitter sad people, I have to get up and do something.

I'll do it.

I'll have to do it. Unfortunately.

Who am I kidding? This is going to be the most exciting thing I've ever done in my entire life. FUCK YEAH. The adventure is calling my name. Finally I'm on my way to becoming the drifter I always wanted to be. I'm nearly a sailor now. Nearly.

This is how we turn dreams into reality.

So yeah, I've got things to do, books to write, and... well...









TO INFINITY.........


AND BEYOND!

Can't wait to walk those streets. Can't wait to meet the people, can't wait to find the most interesting outcast, the most fascinating punk-rocking Lapp girl of Kirkenes. She's waiting for me. Maybe she'll give me a Lapp dance. Maybe I'll give her a Lapp dance. Yeah, right. I'm sorry.

Btw: Toy Story 3 is my favourite movie.