Nobody loves a hero.

I could be a pop singer; I was always interested in it. But unfortunately I wasn't very good at it. I could also be a mathematician; I was always good at it. But unfortunately, I was never interested in it. So this writer thing feels alright. It's like being a pop singer, but it's more exotic, more rebellious, more intellectual, more perverse.

I'm starting to realize that it's absolutely impossible to go through this life without feeling absolutely ridiculous. If you let embarrassment and fear take control, they will, because everything is embarrassing. Your body makes its own humiliating decisions and there's not much that you can do about it. You fail and you fail and you fail and you fail and you FAIL. Living looks ridiculous. Eating looks ridiculous. The words coming out of your mouth are ridiculous. The truth is usually ridiculous. Even walking down the street is fucking ridiculous.

Ultimately, there's only one thing left to do. You can say fuck you.

Fuck you, fear! Fuck you, humiliation! Fuck you, embarrassment! Fuck you, shame! I'm gonna be so completely and systematically ridiculous that ridiculous suffers an inflation and turns into beauty and bravery.

This is me.

I was watching Spider-Man 2 where Peter Parker decides to give up being Spider-Man. I watched him walk down the streets after the decision. He looked so happy and relieved. I paused.

Maybe I could do that, I thought. Maybe I could give up. I've been trying to save the world, I've been trying to be a hero, but maybe I'm simply destroying myself. Maybe the world is never going to get better, maybe it will get better even without my help, maybe somebody else will change it. Maybe I could give up. Would it make me happier?

I could stop this madness. Stop writing these insane books. Stop fighting back. I could get an education, find a job, find a girlfriend and a fulfilling hobby. No more fear. No more fire burning my entrails. It would be easy.

But: I would not be happy. Not really. Living without a sense of purpose, however painful that purpose may be, would feel like throwing away my only chance. That only chance is everything. This life is everything, I won't get another one. I am Spider-Man, and I realized that a long time ago. I'll always be Spider-Man. And that's it.

Everybody loves a hero, Peter Parker's Aunt claims. No they don't. People don't love heroes. People love heroes only when they're not part of the problem themselves. People love heroes when they know that they're not contributing to the violence the hero's fighting. Save a child; they'll love you. Save a pig; you're making them uncomfortable.

But the greatest form of heroism is social independence. Something people like Anthony Bourdain haven't realized: Do the right thing, even when the right thing is the least cool thing you could ever do. Do the right thing, even if they'll ridicule you for it. Even if they'll try to destroy you. Do the right thing, even if there'll be nobody cheering for you. Some day there'll be someone who sees you for what you were, but for now, keep trying and failing and getting up in the morning.

In the past 12 months, one of the weirdest parts of my life has been the unofficial Morrissey fan forum, MorrisseySolo. I've been trying to get rid of it, leave it behind, because I hate it, but then I always find myself going back and learning something important.

The strange thing about MorrisseySolo is that it's populated by people who fiercely refuse to call themselves Morrissey fans. In fact, MorrisseySolo is full of people who spend significant amounts of their time thinking about a pop singer that they claim to hate.

There are creeps and actual nutjobs on MorrisseySolo, such as someone named 'Benny-the-Butcher', but they're not the point here. The people I'm talking about are something very different. These people are smart, good and wonderful. But they're possessed. They claim to be disappointed in Morrissey ("but I don't really care, he's just a pop singer"), but instead of moving on and finding something else to do, they stick around and live for this person they're disappointed in. Sometimes I have conversations with them. People like Johnny Barleycorn (hi!) and BrummieBoy (hi!) are such decent souls, yet their behaviour is absolutely insane.

And I understand them very well. Morrissey is not just a pop singer. There's something more to him. Once you let him in, you'll never be able to walk away (without your arse hurting). Because the more you try to ignore him, the closer he gets.

It's easy to hate Morrissey. He's intensely imperfect and difficult and his behaviour is often irrational and infuriating. And this is why we love him. Johnny Barleycorn and BrummieBoy may claim that they want Morrissey to change and become a more likeable character, but really, if he did, what would they do? What would we do? We'd simply step back and walk away.



Morrissey is a lot like Snape. They could explain themselves, but they're not even trying. They don't want to be liked, yet that is the only thing they've ever wanted. It's easy to hate him, and it's easy to love hating him, because when you look at him, what you see is hate. It takes some effort to realize that hate is just the surface. If you look closer, you'll understand that the only thing that drives him, the thing that has always driven him, is love. Hate is just the reaction to seeing what you love being destroyed.

To understand what Morrissey has always been about, you only have to listen to Yes I Am Blind. This could be the most beautiful and painful song Morrissey's ever written:

Little lamb

on a hill

run fast if you can.
Good Christians, they wanna kill you
And your life has not even begun
You're just like me, you're just like me

Oh, your life has not even begun
You're just like me, you're just like me
And your life has not even begun
You're just like me, just like me

And your life has not even begun
You're just like me, you're just like, just like me
And your life has not even begun.

I know. And it hurts so much. It doesn't matter whether you take 'little lamb' literally or not; this is what Morrissey's always been trying to say. We could listen, but maybe we don't want to.

__________________

And now, the next step is shutting up. I HAVE TO SHUT UP. I still have a book to write. And I really wanna finish writing it. I really have to abandon everything else for a while. So, goodbye, I'll try to stay away. Let's see how this works out.

I hate dill. Dill destroys everything.

Neal Cassady

It's 5.30 in the morning. Five hours ago I visited the spot where my book's protagonist wakes up after committing suicide. It was dark and the city was bright and there was another bright city on the surface of the sea. It's impossible to feel really happy without feeling slightly sad at the same time, and it's impossible to be sad without a grain of hope.

He's not Sherlock Holmes. I am. I know so much about everybody, and they know nothing about me.

I know that the fact that I love you causes you unbearable pain, and I'm very sorry, but I'll never be able to stop.

My sense of humour is too nonsensical to be properly British.

I left the shore and kept on walking, like I always do, and it was so fucking beautiful, everything was so incredibly beautiful, and I ended up on a highway. That's how I roll nowadays. I'm constantly finding myself on highways and in forests and everywhere I shouldn't be. I kept walking, hopped over a couple fences, and ended up in this very dark place.

There was solid rock under my feet, and above me was a lightless universe. And then, beside me under the universe, there was this huge fucking mushroom. Now, I don't know much about these things, but I'd say it was some sort of antenna. It was bigger than buildings.

So, turns out it was the water tower of Lauttasaari. Silly me. In the dark it looks like something that has to do with aliens. Actually, in the daylight it looks that way too.

This is how the Lauttasaari water tower looks from the inside. Hallelujah. I'm mildly sorry for stealing other people's photo art.

Anyway, it was dark and unreal and beautiful. If I personally knew one of the girls that I love, I would take her there in the nighttime. We could drink tea. It would be wonderful. Darkness is good. Darkness allows you to adjust your genitals.

I listened to Hideous Towns and wow, it's a beautiful thing.

I got out of the darkness and found myself in a neighbourhood where a lot of people probably live. Now, they were asleep. I was awake. I kept walking, arms behind my back like I was a Japanese grandpa. I stared into a nightly health center. I really need a friend who knows how to steal cars.

Humanity at its worst

Once again, I watched a documentary. It was called Hunted in Russia. It was the most disturbing thing I have seen in a while.

The documentary reveals the way lgbt people are treated in Russia. There are several gangs that are hunting down gay people for fun. The documentary introduces a red-haired chick who's formed a group called 'Occupy Pedophilia'. (Apparently, most of the gangs go under the name of Occupy Pedophilia.) The group consists of her and a herd of sociopathic boys.

The strangest thing is that what the group does has absolutely nothing to do with pedophiles. The groups deliberately refuse to see the very obvious difference between active homosexuals and active pedophiles, so that they can harass homosexuals and pretend that they're teaching pedophiles a lesson.

This is how 'Occupy Pedophilia' operates: they lure lonely gay boys into fake meetings. Then they humiliate and assault them, sometimes even murder them. They force the boys to rape themselves with bottles. They 'interview' them and force them to give out all their personal information. They film everything and put the videos on the internet in order to destroy the boys' lives.

They refer to these operations as 'safaris'.

Disturbing stuff: The police and the public are quietly supporting this. It's acceptable behaviour in the culture of modern Russia. In fact, it's even illegal to publically protest this violence, as that would be considered 'gay propaganda', which is illegal. The red-haired chick with her herd of sociopathic boys actually think that they're doing the right thing, as they've got the public support behind them.

More disturbing stuff: Many people in Finland are quietly supporting it too. When the Finnish Minister for Culture and Sport travelled to Russia and waved a rainbow-coloured flag, several people in Finland were 'outraged': how dare he do such a thing! Apparently, they think that Russia will stop talking to us if we refuse to support their violence. Sorry, but human rights are infinitely more important than the money flows between Finland and Russia.

On the other hand, it's very easy for us Westerners to condemn the collective insanity of Russia and happily absorb our own forms of collective insanity.

Perhaps the most revealing detail in Hunted in Russia is a sentence that the British journalist's voice keeps repeating: "In Russia, gay people are treated like animals." He's probably not aware of it himself, but what he's actually saying is this: this violence would be totally fine and normal if the victims weren't humans.

It's easy to condemn the violence of other socities, and support the violence of the society around you. Really: if you want to make this world a less violent place, you're going to have to start with yourself. Painful. I know.

Here's a fact: the same psychological mechanisms that are allowing Russians to treat homosexuals the way they do are allowing us to treat non-human animals the way we do.

Now, somebody would say: "It's different! Violence towards animals is natural!" Oh no, guess what: so is violence towards humans. If you hear yourself starting to come up with these rationalizations and justifications, stop and consider the fact that a homophobic person in Russia would come up with almost identical rationalizations. If you wouldn't accept their reasons, let go of yours.

And now, somebody would say: "Well, at least protesting for animal rights isn't illegal here. At least we're better than the Russians in that sense." Maybe. For now. But several Western nations (the USA, especially) are creating laws to make it illegal to film the meat industry. (In order to protect profit; you see, if people knew how the animals are treated, they might want to boycott the industry.) Pretty soon, animal activism may be illegal. Sigh.

It's easy and fun to be fucking insane, if everybody else is. And then point your finger at other people making your mistakes and yell: those people are fucked up!

Now is now

I was watching a documentary on Billy the Kid:



Then I stopped, and for some inexplicable reason, during the documentary I had realized something: life is about dreams. Dreams are the point. Fear and embarrassment are temporary. Dreams are something that last. Something that can create something that remains even when you're gone.

So: live for this. Live for your dreams. In the end, they are the only thing that make any sense. The more huge, the more ridiculous, the more insane, the better. Find your dream and make it reality. Be fearless. Fear is useless from now on. Keep dreaming, keep running, make plans, forget them, make better ones, sing, dance, stand up, save lives, turn everything around. FUCK YEAH and ROCK'N'ROLL.

It's curious how in the springtime, for some reason, all the previous springs that you've lived are suddenly present again. And that makes you happy and sad and nervous all at the same time.

Hello, animal activism!

I'm starting to realize that the most effective thing I can do as a writer and an animal activist is giving myself and the other animal activists a solid plan. The era of moaning and mourning has to end. The era of action is getting closer and closer.

Because I do have a plan: I know how we can make animal liberation happen in reality. Not just in theory, but in reality, in this world. Animal rights – not just animal welfare, but animal rights – will become a mainstream thing and ultimately, something that the vast majority of people agree with, if we play our cards right.

Here's the goal:

A society that acknowledges animal rights; a society that acknowledges that non-human animals have a right to life without pain, harm or death consciously inflicted by human beings.

Here's the key:

A person who feels that the declaration of animal rights would take something away from their lives is not going to agree with animal rights. But if a person knows that they won't lose anything by granting animals rights, they will support the idea. Humans have an inherent tendency to 1) care about animals, 2) identify as good people.

Here's the trick:

Psychological liberation of humans. We have to create a society where as many people as possible feel that they are not responsible for animal exploitation – in other words: a society where as many people as possible feel that they would not lose anything if animal rights became a reality.

There are two main ways in which regular people take part in animal exploitation:

1) Eating animals and funding the meat industry.
2) Hunting and fishing.

(Psychologically, things like the fur industry are highly secondary, and vivisection doesn't seem to count. For some reason, it seems that most people don't really link themselves with animal testing; for example: more than 50 % of young people in the USA identify as people who oppose vivisection. So apparently, this isn't important here.)

Here's an encouraging fact: the majority of people (in the developed world) do not participate in hunting or fishing. Ever.

So: if more and more people stop eating animals and replace them with cultured animal products, we'll have more and more people who are open to the idea of animal rights. The ~10-40% who identify as people who hunt or fish will be a minority, and the number will probably start going down steadily as the general attitudes start changing.

For the psychological liberation of humans, the most important tool are cultured 'animal' products. A vegetarian revolution is very unlikely at a global level. Cultured animal products have to become as mainstream as possible. The change in attitudes will follow.

Here's the challenge:

Right now, approximately 20 years before cultured animal products are going to become a reality, the vast majority (about 80%) of people are against the idea of 'lab-grown meat'. They find the idea icky. They just simply can't understand why they should stop eating animals and eat cultured 'animal' products instead.

We'll have to tell them why they should stop eating animals and eat cultured animal products instead. There'll be a lot of very powerful people trying to keep animals in cages. Our voices will have to be as loud, informative and effective as possible. We'll have to be smart and articulate and explain what we're looking for. Our arguments will have to be clear and powerful.

We'll have to tell people why factory farming – and the meat industry in general – and eating animals in general – is the icky thing. Animal expoitation is icky as hell – not the cultured steaks, not the cultured tuna, not the cultured yogurt.

And then: the change in attitudes will follow. Eventually, when we'll ask the public whether they agree that non-human animals "should have a right to life without pain, harm or death consciously inflicted by human beings", a lot of people will say yes. No "but plants have feelings too!", no "but lions eat animals too!", no "but meat tastes good!" Just a simple, easy, solid yes.

And wow: we've actually turned a lot of people into vegans. With meat. This is magic.

Yeah, overcoming the ick factor will be a challenge. But it'll be fifty times easier than trying to make the entire humankind adopt plant-based diets. This boring ick factor is not culturally nearly as deeply rooted as the act of eating meat.

The vast majority of people are not holding on to animal abuse or animal exploitation; they don't want that; they are holding on to the act of eating meat. We can separate animal exploitation from the act of eating meat. 'Meat' will stop meaning animals. We will stop eating animals. We will stop exploiting them.

I'm pretty sure that these are our cards.

Let's play them right.

What am I doing.